Cycle 9

This morning, thanks to the Decadron, my morning started at 4:30 a.m. But being up that early gave me a chance to think about how things are progressing with my treatment. Yesterday, I said that most of the tumors were not shrinking in size but some still were. I think this has been the pattern since the beginning but I was just ignoring it and focusing on the fact that some tumors were shrinking.

Through the years, one thing I’ve learned about myself and the cancer and its treatment is that I don’t like asking too many questions because the answers are usually too hard to handle. Sometimes I’d rather just not know ... ignorance is bliss ... for a short while anyways.

O.K. so now that I’ve faced the fact that Taxotere will likely not make all my tumors disappear, I sort of feel relived because deep down, I knew it but didn’t want to acknowledge it ... out loud. That is one of the reasons I really like this blog because I can think about things and then just put my fingers to the keyboard and start typing. I find it is easier to put the words on paper... then talking about it with someone.

But even that is changing, talking about it with people has become easier once I’ve said the words in my blog. Last weekend, a friend/previous boss called because she heard about my situation through the grapevine. I was so proud of myself that I could talk about my cancer and use words like; stage 4, not curable, and terminal. It took me months before I could even say those words to myself let alone someone else. I did also use words like chronic disease, new treatments and hope for the future.

Cancer sure has a way of making you face your deepest fears ... of course; cancer also has a way of creating them.

This afternoon, I have chemo cycle 9.