Tired, Tired, Tired

I saved this video I found and wanted to post it on one of my terrible days.

The guys name is Nick Vujicic and the video is called ... Get Back Up!

Cancer Rumors

Yesterday, I mentioned I'd found an article on the internet that said the Patrick Swayze had given up treatment and was not doing well ... well I guess that article was gossip and supposedly he is still getting treatment. I hope that is correct and he is doing better than first reported.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer 8 years ago, I remember the rumors used to be that things were going terrible and I was going to die soon. People don't understand cancer, and they ... I hate to say it ... like to jump to conclusion and assume the worst.

There is such a lack of proper knowledge regarding cancer and its treatment, that a person has to be careful taking about it. If you don't explain the situation carefully and properly enough, people will fill in the blanks and the rumors will fly. I think it is the fear in people that makes them say the darnedest things.

This weekend is my rough chemo weekend. I've already started to feel the tiredness and the agitation that comes with this time of the cycle. I just woke up from an hour nap and wish I could just sleep away the whole weekend.

Lunch On A Snowy/Rainy Day

Today I enjoyed a really nice lunch with a friend of mine at Louisiana Purchase. We had a yummy meal with dessert and coffee. How wonderful is that.

It was nice to get out but I really had to rely on my friend A. to choose the place and time in order to make this happen. Unfortunately, my focus and concentration is lacking these days and I just can’t seem to make plans and/or make decisions very well ... the smallest decisions seem to be overwhelming.

When I went for lunch, it was snowing and on the way back, it was raining. Go figure.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon working on my school project and actually completed it. It gave me a bit of confidence that my mind is still active and I can still accomplish something.

This morning, as I was surfing the net, I came across an article about Patrick Swayze and I was sadden to read that he has chosen to stop his cancer treatment as the doctors are saying they cannot do anything more for his pancreatic cancer. He is losing weight and is very weak.

I really thought things were going to go better for him as he appeared to be fighting tooth and nail. Dam that cancer.

A friend of his commented that ... 'Patrick regards himself as a cowboy, and is determined to die with his boots on and no regrets.' What more can you say.

Chemo Yesterday

Yesterday's chemo went well. I went to the public library and had chosen four DVD's I could potentially watch during my treatment. Watching movies is a great distraction because it prevents me from worrying about having some sort of reaction to the chemo and its just a great overall distraction.

Some people have allergic reactions to Taxotere that includes swelling of the throat and rashes that develop on the body.

After chemo, I went home feeling tired but I knew once I took my two Decadron pills, I would be buzzing around and sure enough, I felt much more energetic.

I don't think I mentioned, I registered for another course at the college. It is on Tuesday nights which is the same day as chemo. I wonder how I will make it through this course because the fatigue is greater and concentration is definitely a challenge. Good or bad ... I shall plow ahead.

Today my goal is to focus on assignments due for the course. I have a couple more good days before I start feeling bad so I must take advantage of them. If I could just peel myself off the couch and away from the TV ... I'd be well on my way.

Cycle 9

This morning, thanks to the Decadron, my morning started at 4:30 a.m. But being up that early gave me a chance to think about how things are progressing with my treatment. Yesterday, I said that most of the tumors were not shrinking in size but some still were. I think this has been the pattern since the beginning but I was just ignoring it and focusing on the fact that some tumors were shrinking.

Through the years, one thing I’ve learned about myself and the cancer and its treatment is that I don’t like asking too many questions because the answers are usually too hard to handle. Sometimes I’d rather just not know ... ignorance is bliss ... for a short while anyways.

O.K. so now that I’ve faced the fact that Taxotere will likely not make all my tumors disappear, I sort of feel relived because deep down, I knew it but didn’t want to acknowledge it ... out loud. That is one of the reasons I really like this blog because I can think about things and then just put my fingers to the keyboard and start typing. I find it is easier to put the words on paper... then talking about it with someone.

But even that is changing, talking about it with people has become easier once I’ve said the words in my blog. Last weekend, a friend/previous boss called because she heard about my situation through the grapevine. I was so proud of myself that I could talk about my cancer and use words like; stage 4, not curable, and terminal. It took me months before I could even say those words to myself let alone someone else. I did also use words like chronic disease, new treatments and hope for the future.

Cancer sure has a way of making you face your deepest fears ... of course; cancer also has a way of creating them.

This afternoon, I have chemo cycle 9.