Sunday, July 5, 2009

Worst Days Are Over

With chemo last Tuesday, the worst days are now over.

The last few days were rough as expected. I felt very medicated and numb ... sort of zombie-like. I would just stared at the walls for hours on end. I wanted nothing but for time to pass. I ended up taking Ativan to sleep the time away ... sometimes it worked ... sometimes it didn’t.

As I lay in bed, I’d hear the sounds of people busy living their lives ... there would be children playing, dogs barking, adults talking, all sorts of activities going on. How jealous was I? What I wouldn’t do for a few hours of normal life.

I wish I could feel excitement and enthusiasm again. I wish I could get excited about a new outfit, a new pair of shoes, going to the green house, meeting with friends, maybe a vacation ... but right now none of that excites me in the least. I could care less.

It feels like cancer and its treatment have sucked the life out of me. I just don’t want to do anything. As the days go by and I become stronger these feelings will improve but for now ... that is it.


16 comments:

Peggy said...

Daria;

Hang in there, I know it's easy for me to say right now. My thoughts are with you and looking forward to hearing that you're feeling better!

Sandy said...

Daria - I see TJ feeling the same way after chemo, it breaks my heart but I know it passes for him as it will for you. I even had him read this post and he said "YEP, I know that feeling". Better days are ahead.

Audrey said...

Yes, hang in there. As you said, in a few days you will be wanting to get outdoors for cups of coffee and walks with D once again. Hugs to you!
xoxoxo

Jill said...

Daria, I felt so sad today reading your post. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and give you a great big hug.I hope as the week progresses you feel better and have more energy.
Gentle hugs
Jill.

WhiteStone said...

I call those days "inertia". I could lie and stare at the ceiling 24/7 and even tho my brain says "I should do SOMEthing!" my body says "Why!" LOL. And it is NOT that I am lazy! I'm inert. Hope you are feeling better soon. Bless you.

Sandra D said...

Days will get better, but cancer does suck and it feels like nothing else and only those who go through know what you are feeling! My heart is with you!

Michelle said...

Daria...cancer and its treatment does suck the life out of you. I so admire the way that you keep bouncing back between times, its very courageous and inspiring

xx

sherry lee said...

And those are some of the worst days aren't they? It's not so much the discomfort from chemo & cancer, it's that our lives have become suspended. I used to think of it as a merry-go-round..everyone else could get off and carry on with their lives and I was stuck going round and round. And then there are the good days and we savour those. It's good to acknowledge those not so good days too...it's about the whole experience. Wishing you sweeter days to come! ♥

JJ said...

I know those 'inert' days. I'm sorry today is a bad one.

Perhaps a bit of Monty Python will make you chuckle?

Guidance Counsellor: Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
Monty Python's Flying Circus

Dee said...

I remember days like that - it's really really hard. I just told my friends that I was struggling and I asked them to just stay in touch with me - ask me for coffee or to just talk and let me cry. I think the thing that got me through that time was knowing my friends and family were there supporting me and were still my friends even though I felt crummy.

So, know we are all there thinking about you and wishing you to have a quick upswing so that you can go back to living the life you want to live, okay?

Take care!

Carol Urban said...

Oh, God, do I know those feelings! My husband would say, "All you do is sleep," and I would say, "That's all I can do." At a year past chemo I'm only now getting back into things that I did before cancer. It's a good feeling. Big hugs GF, these days will pass for you! God bless.

Joanie M said...

Hang in there, Daria and get the rest your body is craving right now. You'll be back to your old self again soon. HUGS!!

Sara Williams said...

Hey Daria, I thought of you today as I popped in on my neighbour for a cup of tea. She is the nail and beauty person and she was doing my friends nails. Anyway, I went over still in my pink PJ's - you would have been proud!

Sarah said...

Aww hon I'm so sorry! Here I am all whiney girl over one week and you were so sweet to pop by and send well wishes - thank you Daria!! So.. I am sending them three fold back to you hon - hoping you feel better soon!
Hugs, Sarah

Beth said...

I hate those days too, you said it right 'cancer and treatment suck the life out of you'. You can't even enjoy watching a movie or reading a book, it is just nothing time, completely wasted. Those are the days I can't even comprehend having to go back and do it again. I admire your strength as you are on such a long treatment plan...

I hope you are back to good days quickly.

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Chemo just sucks the life right out of people, doesn't it. I am so sorry. $ months was like a lifetime for me-I don't know where you get the strength to keep on taking it but hopefully you will be finished soon.