Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Cancer Rant

Yesterday I made the mistake of thinking too far in the future. I told myself back in August when my cancer came back that I would not think long term ever again.

So when I did start thinking ahead, I only became depressed. The future looks so gloomy. The life I had dreamt about as a teenager is nowhere near my reality now. What the heck happened? I was supposed to be a strong and vibrant person contributing to society. I love to work. I thought I would never stop working. And now it’s likely I may never work again.

Did I ever imagine a life threatening disease would make its way into my life? Not in a million years. Boy has the rug been pulled out from underneath me.

So how do I cope? What motivates me?

Can I tell you, these are tough questions ... and I don't even know if I have the answers right now.

I know it sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but damn it, I want to shout ... IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

I know better though ... someone has to get this ... why not me?

23 comments:

sherry lee said...

If you didn't "rant" from time to time I would think there was something more deeply "wrong" with you than having breast cancer return. You need to have those moments/days...you have to let that out. Disappointment is part of life yes, but that doesn't mean we have to keep that positive attitude every.single.waking.moment.

You must have that time to grieve Dara and that's what this rant really is..you are grieving for what you had, for what you wanted and what may not ever be again. And not it is so very not fair. Life seldom is.

Pamper yourself right now, treat yourself to something very special, something that just says "I know that will make me feel better" and remember, this is just one day of oh so many. Sending you love and hugs.

Sara Williams said...

Daria,
I know that you may not realise this but you are working, you are contributing to society, you are a valuable person. How? By writing this blog you are helping others, by leaving encouraging messages, you are helping others. YOU make a difference. YOU are valuable.
YOU are wonderful.
Its ok to be angry, its good to be angry but dont lose sight of the fact that you are alive adn you are important to so so many people.

Love & Life
Sara

Isaura said...

Daria
Everything you are feeling is a normal thing, if you didn't feel this way you would not be human.
It is difficult....we are born, live our lives and then bang it hits us.
It is hard to think of the future when we don't know about tomorrow.
I feel the same way...always worked, dated lots, unfortunately never married, no kids...so here I am alone.... I regret never gotten married and I always wanted a child, but that did not happen.
We try to do our best with what God gives us...but it is hard to accept Cancer.....
Here we are trying to be brave for people, family around us....but our fear is always in the back of our minds....what next?
I had a career, aleast I had that...now everything is gone.
Just getting up in the morning is a chore at times.
I miss my past life, not that it was great, but I did not wake up...saying ok I have cancer, now what?
Its ok to feel...
Hugs to you dear Daria
My thoughts and heart are with you
And people do not understand till they live in our shoes....its a fact

Breeze said...

You rant all you want..this stupid disease stole my father and I'll never forgive it..it is hurting my precious aunt and I hate that she has to go through this and you my friend can rail away, I very much hate what it is doing and has done to so many of my blogger friends.....and once you are done, in quiet moments accept the vibes of wellness that are coming your way because they are many and they are powerful.

Breeze
xxx000

Holly said...

dearest Daria - why are you thinking that you cannot go back to work? feel free to email me....hhamlett@gmail.com sending hugs....

Anastasia said...

I feel what you are saying, Daria! It is hard enough dealing with the fact of cancer, but then there is also all the hours of downtime during treatment. It is hard not to dwell on the disappointment and other thoughts that come up. I just keep telling myself that this time will pass. It is not easy, but it is also not forever. Good times will come again.

Robin at the Alberta Cancer Foundation said...

It must certainly be frustrating to deal with all these challenges AND have too much time to think constantly about them. I work with the Alberta Cancer Foundation and I have a way to take up a bit of your time and help out other cancer patients while you're at it, if you're interested.

The ACF is redesigning our website and we need your input. If you want to help us out by taking a look at our new site, join our user panel.

From time to time we will ask you for your advice and we may ask you to test out new parts of the site. You are always free to say no if you are too busy when we ask. To sign up, go to http://tinyurl.com/ACFpanel.

Thanks so much and all the best.

Michelle said...

Cancer sucks Daria. There is no point in saying otherwise.

Yes, long term thinking is a no go zone....but if you can keep it in the day, well, life is still good.

Hope you see some miracles today.....

xxxx

Jill said...

Daria, rant and rave all you want. You have every right to do it. We didn't ask to have cancer so why should we just sit back and let it take over our lives (but of course it does). I know it has and that just sucks but by writing your feelings here on your blog it not only can help you but all the others that read it. It says it's okay to be angry and if this is the way to get out your frustrations then so be it!
Rant and rave all you want Daria as we are all here to listen to you anytime you want.
Jill :)

miss*R said...

((hugs to you).. I noticed you were a follower of my cancer story.. yes, 8yrs later I am finally able to put it into words xo

Roxanne said...

Dear Daria,
I just don't know any words to say because my heart aches for you. You have been such an inspiration for me by sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly and honestly. I know how I feel when I start thinking ahead and there are really no words to make it better.I only know to pray for you and that I will do. Hugs to you my friend.

TNBCAmazon said...

Dear Daria,
One of the things that is so amazing about you is that you are so strong and have those "cancer ranting" sorts of moments only so rarely. You face this dreadful disease with so much awe-inspiring positive attitude and grace.
But every now and then, the grief and the anger need to come out. So don't feel bad about blowing off some steam. Cancer does suck, and it cheats you of so many things that you deserve. So you rant all you want -- just don't forget that there are many people here to listen to you and support you.
Big hugs... I'm thinking of you!

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

It isn't fair. Why would a wonderful person such as yourself deserve such worry and the pain of treatment? Cancer has cheated you of so much. I really wish this did not happen and that somehow it will go away. There is a chance that it will as new things pop up all the time. You are in my thoughts.

Raden Galoh said...

Dearest sister..

It's okay to rant and feel that way... we are human being too... Let the steam out, we also have our ups and downs too...

But life is alos like that, it is supposed to be unfair...

When we are tested with this dreaded disease God knows we can take it and deal with it... so let us continue to live life the fullest and not allow cancer to have us...

sending my thoughts and prayers.
big bearly hugs for you sis.

Lesa said...

Rant away! It is OK to feel sorry for yourself. It is OK to be angry. Who said you had to take cancer with a smile? xoxo

Audrey said...

Rant, and rant and rant! This is one stupid ass, unfair, cruel disease. Of course you should rant! NO ONE should have to deal with cancer - NO ONE! It is a devastating disease and we need to stand up and let others know it. At my nephews wedding, I met a young cancer researcher. I thanked him for doing the job he does, and he told me that funding has been cut in their field. I began to rant! I hate this disease and the politicians who pull the funding!

Alli said...

Daria you have every right to feel the way you do.
As soon as we are diagnosed and of course family members who are there for us, our lives suddenly change.
Anger is justified, ranting is too...
Thank goodness we have that ability to let some steam off.
Rant away dear Daria~~
Alli xoxo

Andy said...

Hi Daria.You are allowed to have a rant :-).
But as you say, if it's not me, who will it be ?
I honestly believe that there is a reason for everything that happens to each of us in our lives.
As Hamlet so elequantly put it "There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will."
Andy

P.S how come you have so many replies to your posts ? I am getting very jealous :-)

Dee said...

Daria,
Yes, you are entitled to a rant now and then! And, you are exactly right, it's just not fair!

I had my own bout of "not fairedness" last week when I got the news that the spots in my lungs grew a little bit - it was also a couple of days after my ex-husband had his wedding reception and all his family were in town. It brought back all those old issues and at one point, I thought, "why does someone who was such a jerk get to be married again, financially secure, etc."? A good friend of mine said that there is so little happiness in the world that I should rejoice in his happiness and also that his being happy makes things easier on me, right? She was right.

But it is what it is. I think it's fine to allow yourself those feelings, but limit them to a specific period of time (Literally Liz gives herself 24 hours to feel this way). Then, wake up the next day making a conscious decision to be happy and make the most of what you've got.

Last year, an older lady at the radiation center asked me why I was so happy all the time. I told her that, "I work at it". I do work at it. Some days it's harder than others. But I got to tell you that I FEEL better being happy than being down. I have more energy and enjoy life more just by making that conscious decision to wake up and choose to be happy.

Good luck Daria. You do deserve a rant. Then, let it go and enjoy life.

Cora from Hidden Riches said...

Go ahead and rant, Daria! Sometimes I think that extra energy is good for us instead of that passive, sad acceptance! On those all too frequent sleepless nights, I ask "What Happened" too. Here I am, 61 years old, and this isn't what I thought my 60's would be at all! Supposedly, I'm supposed to be "getting on with my life" and I can't seem to find my life anywhere. And so I rant at times!

and I agree with Sara above. You ARE using your life! You mean so much to so many people here in blogland --- me, especially! Thank you for being here, for your honest, for being informative, for being yourself!

Joanie M said...

Daria,
I think you ARE strong and vibrant! Maybe not in the way you meant, but you are. You've been fighting the good fight for 9 years now, and you're still here! Keep up the good work!

l'optimiste said...

hey Daria - not much to say here, as it's all been said. We HAVE to rant occasionally or I’m sure we’d explode. Cancer sucks. It’s hateful blah de blah. But we’re still here! And will remain so.

Plus, mostly we’re positive and cheerful. Even people without the threat of cancer have ‘ranting attacks’ – just about different things. Go for it, yell and scream – I always find one good rant lasts me a good few months ;o)
x

Luckey One said...

I could have written the same feelings you're having now Daria. I have to will myself to not look to far in the future- specially when it comes to my two daughters.
I'm a newbie in the cancer game- and I often wonder how long I can keep this all up...

Everyone's comments posted would mimic my own- I wish you continued strength, perservearance and healing

Peggy