A while back I was asked by someone ... ‘Is it better to know or not know?' The question was ... 'Is it better to know you are going to die and have some time to deal with it or... is it better to not know and die immediately in say a car crash?'
I ponder that question often. I’m not sure I have the answer. After my first cancer diagnosis, 9 years ago, I felt O.K. with knowing I was going to die because it allowed me a second chance at doing a few things. I started changing the way I lived. I started downsizing or simplifying my life which included giving my stuff away, clearing out paperwork, and just unloading and simplifying in general. It is funny ... when you think you are going to die and you look at your ‘stuff’ and you realize no one else is going to want it... and I thought to myself ... but I worked so hard for that stuff. It’s quite the realization knowing only you value what you have.
So back to the question ... better to know or not know ... this is my third kick at the can and you know what, I really wonder.... second and third times with cancer are tough ... especially being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. You literally wait to die.
I feel guilty for having these thoughts because there are people out there struggling way way way harder than I am and yet I feel this way.
Since my chemotherapy started in August, I feel like I have this zombie like existence. I just move around with no real purpose. I'm sure if I wasn’t getting chemo, my opinion would be different. Chemo sucks the energy right out of you ... mentally and physically... and all the drugs send you into mood swings that slant your thinking. But then that is my life right now.
So to answer the question, is it better to know or not know you are dying ... I've come to the conclusion the answer will be different for everyone as they progress through different stages of illness and different kinds of treatment.
I ponder that question often. I’m not sure I have the answer. After my first cancer diagnosis, 9 years ago, I felt O.K. with knowing I was going to die because it allowed me a second chance at doing a few things. I started changing the way I lived. I started downsizing or simplifying my life which included giving my stuff away, clearing out paperwork, and just unloading and simplifying in general. It is funny ... when you think you are going to die and you look at your ‘stuff’ and you realize no one else is going to want it... and I thought to myself ... but I worked so hard for that stuff. It’s quite the realization knowing only you value what you have.
So back to the question ... better to know or not know ... this is my third kick at the can and you know what, I really wonder.... second and third times with cancer are tough ... especially being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. You literally wait to die.
I feel guilty for having these thoughts because there are people out there struggling way way way harder than I am and yet I feel this way.
Since my chemotherapy started in August, I feel like I have this zombie like existence. I just move around with no real purpose. I'm sure if I wasn’t getting chemo, my opinion would be different. Chemo sucks the energy right out of you ... mentally and physically... and all the drugs send you into mood swings that slant your thinking. But then that is my life right now.
So to answer the question, is it better to know or not know you are dying ... I've come to the conclusion the answer will be different for everyone as they progress through different stages of illness and different kinds of treatment.
1 comment:
Your conclusion is right for me to Daria.
When in th middle of it I wanted to die, now having a rest, I want to live.
Perspective is all.
Also good for you for staying with the course, I know how hard that must be.
Love Renee
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