2008 In Review

Well 2008 is coming to a close and I thought I’d review this past year. We had landscaping done to our back yard which was just beautiful. We had replaced three weeping birch trees on our property as they were getting old and tired. We added a brick fire pit which ... I was really excited about because we dreamt about it for years.

My work life was going well; I received a promotion and a raise early in the year. I was taking courses at Grant Macewan to upgrade my education in my field. My plans for the year were to continue taking courses and to graduate in 2009 with a diploma in Human Resources.

When I was diagnosed in 2000, I did not feel I was ever truly cured of cancer. So, I decided I’d do something I really wanted to do ... in 2004, I made a career change into Human Resources. To be honest, I felt rushed to get the education and experience needed before it came back. Well I just about made it ... I have three courses left to take to complete my diploma.

Disappointment and sadness.... would be the best words to describe how I feel.

This past fall, while I was getting chemotherapy, I took a course from September to December and I think it was the distraction I needed ... or should I say, I know it was the distraction I needed. What happens is if I have too much idol time; my mind gravitates to negative thoughts and that scares me. I don’t want to turn to anti-depressants to help me get through this. So taking the course offered me structure and it made me think ahead ... even if it was only a few months.

I also started the blog which I told one of my friends ... has kept me out of the ‘nut house’. Because of blogging ... I’ve created a wonderful online support network of other cancer survivors. In case you were wondering ... there are a lot of people in this world struggling with cancer.

That was 2008 ... in a nut shell.

Chillier Than I Thought

This morning I went over to my sisters for the weekly flushing of the CVC ... it is chillier outside then I thought. Now that I've checked the temperature ... it's -20 ... I was expecting -10ish.

I came home to drop Daisy (the dog) off and to rest for a short while. After that I decided to drive to IGA to get some groceries. I don't normally shop there because it's a bit further away but we had received a gift certificate for Christmas. I thought I better use it up before I misplace it.

Just an update to how I'm feeling ... I feel pretty good but I tire very easy. I seem to feel better if I go out during the day and get some fresh air and a change of scenery.

Sometimes I have a nap in the afternoon but not normally not. The only thing that seems to continue to give me grief right now is that my eyes water. They tend to water more in bright light and outside in the cold.

Otherwise ... I'm doing pretty good.

My Clothes Are Shrinking

I could only wish ...

Since my diagnosis I've put on about 15 pounds. It took my a while to realize that I needed to make my weight a priority. The steroids increases your appetite ... in a big way. There was one weekend I ate and ate and ate ... with no sense of satisfaction. I gained 5 lbs in 3 weeks. When I asked the oncologist for help ... she said to stay busy and avoid the fridge. Well, when you are on chemo, you tend to do very little and burn even less calories and the fridge ... your best friend.

Because I've always struggled with keeping a constant weight and I have two sizes of clothes in my closet. I have gradually been switching from my smaller clothes to my larger clothes. This is a sad process for me because I know how hard it will be to loose those extra pounds.

Anyways, I have to remind myself that in the big picture, it isn't that important.

This morning I went out to the mall for a coffee and muffin. We've been a bit house bound for the last couple of days so it was nice to get out for a short while.

Right now the snow is falling ever so gently and the temperature is -12 Celsius.

Something I Can't Live Without

Today we finally loaded the Palm PDA (personal digital assistant) software onto my laptop. I purchased a laptop in August of this year because my desktop computer has been giving me nothing but grief. It would have an intermittent problem of working just when it wanted to ... sounds like some people I know. Finally yesterday I tried to revive it one more time ... but it flat-lined. We promise to give it a nice eco-burial.

Anyways, I thought I would tell you a little about my PDA because it really is something I can't live without. It must have been about 20 years ago I started with my first so-called PDA. It was a calculator that held 50 addresses and phone numbers. I continued to progress with many different models and styles and my most recent one is a Palm Z22 which is very basic model but does the trick. All I need it for is to store information ... all in one easy-breezy place.

The last few days of been slow and slower ... we are really just taking it easy. Right now we are watching one of our favorite shows ... The Dog Whisper. We love our dog shows.

Another Christmas Has Come and Gone

Well, all the 'hustle and bustle' should be coming to a close. Just New Years' around the corner.

Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the build up to Christmas and the holidays but I also thoroughly enjoy when it's over. Now we start looking towards 2009.

I've mentioned before ... I love YouTube ... they have so much good stuff on there. I found a song done be Celine Dion that is entitled ... Don't Save It All For Christmas Day.

I hope you enjoy it too.

New and Improved ...

Well the blog is looking a bit different. I wanted to share that when I first started blogging, my web page background was black ... which I think was a reflection of my mood .... depressed and hopeless. As time passed, I've adjusted the color to brown and now white ... I guess I am seeing a brighter and brighter future.

This blog has been a savior for me because not only has it given me an outlet to work through and share some of my feelings, but it gives me something to do on a regular basis. I've also learnt a few more computer skills ... and I've connected with all sorts of wonderful and supportive people.

Just a bit of catch-up ....

Christmas Eve was spent at my sister A.'s home. She put on a wonderful meal with many of the traditional meatless items of a Ukrainian Christmas Eve. We started with an outstanding borscht soup and followed with fried and baked fish ... salmon, sole and cod, as well as pickled herring. We had perogies, sauerkraut, white beans mashed with onions and garlic, marinated beets and fried mushrooms. There really was too much to remember it all. Very yummy!

For our Christmas Day dinner we joined my other sister D. and her family, and went to the Mayfield Inn for a smorgasbord. Again very tasty.

For the remainder of yesterday we just sat around trying to digest all the food.

I have a feeling today is going to be very similar day.

Babbling Brook ....

Santa brought me a babbling brook a.k.a. water fountain for Christmas.

I’m looking forward to reaching a ‘higher state of peace and tranquility’.... or maybe it’ll just add some beauty and relaxation to my life. Either way, I’m very excited to have received this as it’s been on my ‘wish list’ for years but never made it to the ‘must have’ list.

I find the sound of running water very calming and relaxing and look forward to using it.

Thanks D. for the great Christmas gift ... and the lovely card that came with it!

Merry Christmas ...

Some beautiful vintage Christmas cards

I found a website with some old vintage Christmas cards ... they are too nice not to be shared ....





I'll share more tomorrow ....

Yesterday was a good day ....

.... my fatigue is improving and I'm excited because Christmas is here ...

Yesterday my sister A. and her husband P., stopped by with a 'care package' for me:

• 2 rings of kolbasa ... not any kolbasa but Stawnichy's Garlic Sausage from Uncle Ed's
  
• a jar of cooked beans ... they are mashed with lots of garlic ... it's a Ukrainian dish
  
• a large jar of pickled herring
  
• a box of chocolates
• a bottle of rum

You can see this is a very unique 'care package' that can only be appreciated by a select few. O.K. I'm the Uky ... and I appreciate it ... the kolbasa, the cooked beans and the pickled herring.

The chocolates and rum are more for D.'s enjoyment.

I also received a beautiful Christmas arrangement and a book from my sister O., from California. The arrangement has a beautiful scent.

.,.. fortunately or unfortunately it has to compete against the aroma of the garlic sausage.

These were definitely the pick-me-uppers I needed.

Thanks a million for thinking of me ...

Things are improving ...

I had a decent sleep last night and things are almost back to normal ... for sure by Christmas.

My sister is coming over to flush my CVC and later I hope to go out and get some groceries.

The temperature right now is -25 and sunny ... grrrrr!

I've been thinking of changing the look of my blog ... so one of these days, don't be surprised if you click on it and it is different.

Hope you're having a wonderful day .....

Over the hump ... I think

I think I'm over the worst ... though I'm still very tired.

Yesterday, I spent the day on the couch or in the chair. I got up to go to the washroom, to eat and to sleep. Thank goodness for the laptop ... I gave me a change from watching TV.

Last night's sleep was O.K.. I still had some intense dreams and woke up a few times but was able to fall back asleep. This morning D. said that I struggled with breathing quite a bit last night. He said I tended to stop breathing. It must be scary for him and terribly disruptive to his sleep ... the fact that I stop breathing.

My fatigue is getting noticeably worse with each chemo cycle. It kind of scares me how tired I get. Right now ... I describe it like ... unless you want to pick me up and care my over to what you want me to do ... forget it ... it ain't happinin'.

I wrote up to this part this morning and decided to go lay down. Since then I had a shower and a snooze. The snooze ... I know will regret later tonight.

I'm still tired but improving ....

Difficulty sleeping ...

Last night I had a terrible sleep ... and I expect the same tonight. What happens is that every chemo cycle I end up with a couple of terrible night’s sleep and two extremely tired, sore and achy days. I have difficulty finding the words to clearly describe the symptoms I feel ... and saying I feel like I have flu-like symptoms just doesn’t cut it ... not even close. The days are more manageable but the nights are awful. I end up sleeping in my ‘day’ clothes because I’m too tired and to chilled to change into pajamas.

I can generally fall asleep but throughout the night, I seem or feel like I’m awake more than I’m asleep. It‘s like I’m in and out of consciousness ... but it is actually in and out of sleep. Everything aches and it’s one bad dream after another ... there is just no comfortable position. I tend to stop breathing and to breathe through my mouth because my nose is stuffed which just plain old screws up your sleep ... things like dry mouth, dry tong, snoring, etc. My body feels like it is full of poison. What does that feel like? ... well, there is a tingling throughout my body and when I close my eyes, I see these black dotes ... similar to when you are about to faint, I have sore and achy bones and muscles ... and of course all the little things like headache, upset stomach, twitchy and runny eyes and so on.

What causes this? .... the steroid, dexamethasone, prescribed to combat side effects of the chemotherapy. Each cycle, I use up the pills on Wednesday evening, so by Friday ... I’m feeling the withdrawal effects ... hence the terrible side effects.

I keep telling myself, it’s only a couple of days and nights ... it is awful ... I call it ‘evil’.

Chemotherapy ... the nuts and bolts of it.

This picture was taken on Tuesday by one of the nurses at the Cross Cancer Institute. I was getting chemotherapy.

So what is Chemotherapy ....

Chemotherapy is a drug used to treat cancer. What happens is that the body’s cells usually grow and divide in a controlled manner however; cancer cells grow and divide uncontrollably. It is like they go a bit crazy. What chemotherapy does is that it stops or slows down the multiplication of cancer cells and in some cases it destroys them.

The type of chemotherapy you get depends on the cancer you have. Some types of chemotherapy drugs are used for many types of cancer and other drugs are used for just one or two types of cancer. The treatment schedules for chemotherapy vary widely ... again depending on the type of cancer it is. For example, some cycles are once every 3 weeks, others can be 1 week of chemo and 3 weeks of rest.

Chemotherapy may be given in many ways. It can be given by injection, it can go directly into an artery that is feeding the cancer, it can go directly into the area that contains the organ that has the cancer, it can go directly into the vein, some can be a cream that you rub on your skin and some can be taken orally ... in a pill form or liquid form.

It is important to note, that cancers vary .... people are different, treatments are different and so are the side effects.

My chemotherapy is called Docetaxel (Taxotere) which is administered via a catheter into a vein in my chest area and my cycle is once every 3 weeks.

'Breast Friends' Christmas get- together

Last night we had our 'Breast Friends' Christmas get-together. The group started meeting twice a month after meeting in a breast cancer support group in 2000.

J. graciously hosts the Christmas event each year .... even though she struggles with lymphedema in her right arm. Each of the ladies brings something hot or cold and the meal always ends up delicious ... and to top it off, one of the ladies, I., is an outstanding dessert maker. Her desserts look like they are straight out of a magazine and they taste absolutely the best.

J.'s home is always so inviting that we really enjoy going over there and with the gift exchange ... we walk away with all sorts of 'girly' things like candles, creams, lotions, soft and cuddly stuff.

Merry Christmas to the ladies ... A., C., I., J. and S.

Thank you to my husband

I just wanted to say 'thank you' to my husband D. for driving and picking me up from chemo each time. He interrupts his work, leaves to pick me up at home and then takes me to the Cross and make sure I'm there on time.

I especially want to thank him for putting up with my disruptive sleeps. There are times the chemo drugs and the meds I take cause some awful side effects that keep me up at night or cause me to be restless during the night. Sometimes I just get up and go into the other bedroom ... that is if I realize I am restless but there are many nights where I snore or whistle through my nose (due to stuffiness), stop breathing, toss and turn, have chills or hot flashes, have bad dreams/night mares, and so on.

D., thanks for putting up with it and not complaining about it.

Monday evening Christmas get-together

In my rush to write something about CT scan, I didn't give too much information on our Christmas get-together on Monday night. Three ladies I previously worked with got together for supper at one of the ladies (Ma.'s) home. Ma. has a beautiful home and put on a wonderful supper for F., M, and myself. We had some good laughs ... namely about making coffee. Ma. is not a coffee drinker or coffee maker so when she made coffee .... it was like 'espresso' ... black and extremely strong ... F. helped her make a second pot of coffee and it was much too weak ... like tea. We giggled and giggled and decided Ma. needed a coffee measuring spoon from Santa for Christmas.

'Thank you' Ma. for the wonderful supper and three deserts, 'thank you' M. for the gift of truffles and 'thank you' F. for the lovely Christmas ornament gift.

It was nice to catch up on all the news.

CT Scan results are in and they are good

Late this morning I got a cold-sore and called my research nurse at the Cancer Institute to see if I needed to get a prescription for it because chemo destroys most of the white blood cells which are used to fight infection. So I wanted to make sure my cold-sore wouldn't get infected.

To my surprise, she said she had the results of my CT scan and they were good. The tumors were shrinking. I didn't ask details on how much or which ones because I was so excited about the news. I really really thought the news was going to be bad.

After getting the news I was on cloud nine and went for chemo @ 1:30. D., came home from work and drove me to my appointment. I was ready to get more chemo to keep fighting this awful disease. Chemo went till 4:45 pm. D, picked me up and we went and got a sub for supper.

During chemo, the research nurse came to see me and gave me a Merry Christmas wish & hug and a prescription for some cream for my cold-sore. She said if it didn't show signs of improvement, to get a hold of them and they would get me a prescription for some pills.

All and all a great day.

CT Scan results or lack of ...

This afternoon I had a visit with my oncologist and she said she had the CT scan results but not the radiologist report of the scan. She said she thought there was no change but that she wasn't a radiologist so she couldn't confirm one way or another. I felt uneasy with her answer ... as if she was avoiding telling me some bad news. This is just my feeling and I might be wrong.

Long story short ... she said the she would call me when the radiologist gave his report. This could take a day or two. I will let everyone know as soon as I do.

Tomorrow I have chemo as per usual.

My appointment at the Cross was over an hour late and after the appointment, I had to rush off to a Christmas get-together with some ladies I used to work with. That is why I'm writing this so late.

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY ALL IS SECURE

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
HE LIVED ALL ALONE
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE
NO TINSEL NO PRESENTS NOT EVEN A TREE
NO STOCKING BY THE MANTLE JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES AWARDS OF ALL KINDS
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING SILENT ALONE
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER
NOT HOW I PICTURED A LONE BRITISH SOLDIER
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO THE FLOOR FOR A BED

I REALISED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT
SOON AROUND THE WORLD THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY

THEY ALL ENJOY FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY ALONE
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE
'SANTA DON'T CRY THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM I DON'T ASK FOR MORE
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY. MY CORPS'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT I CONTINUED TO WEEP

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SAT AND SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHTS CHILL
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD DARK NIGHT
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOUR SO WILLING TO FIGHT

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE
WHISPERED 'CARRY ON SANTA ITS CHRISTMAS DAY ALL IS SECURE'
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT'

THIS POEM WAS WRITTEN BY A PEACE KEEPING SOLDIER STATIONED OVERSEAS

THE FOLLOWING IS HIS REQUEST I THINK IT IS REASONABLE.

PLEASE WOULD YOU DO ME THE KIND FAVOUR OF SENDING THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN