Sunday, January 16, 2011

Feeling Melancholy

Since Thursday’s appointment with my Onc I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking. It’s made me very melancholy. It makes me wonder how much time l have left on this earth?

When I look in the mirror not only am I gaunt but I’m looking Jaundice too. I don’t feel like I’m recovering … I feel like I’m deteriateing.

I am feeling ever so rushed to get things done knowing at any time I could be rushed to the hospital never to come home again. And then there are times I think I might have months to live.

It’s a confusing weird place to be in.

18 comments:

Audrey said...

Yes, undoubtedly this is a confusing time, and I can totally appreciate the uncertainty that you are feeling right now. Hang on to the idea that "it ain't over 'til it's over," and clearly your oncologist is not feeling that it is over yet. And of course you are feeling run-down - your body has gone through a lot. With the procedures that are scheduled to remove fluid, etc, I am willing to bet that you will start to feel better.
Hang in there! And get lots of rest.

Dee said...

Daria, I wish that I could help you feel better. I'm sending you some good thoughts and energy - and I'm sure that your many readers will do the same. Sit still for a few minutes and think of all the people out here who are rooting for you and take in some deep breaths. Breathe in the good thoughts and energy and breathe out the bad thoughts, the what-ifs, the worry.

In truth, as I'm reminded by a lot of people who practice "living in the moment", we only have this moment. None of us knows what will happen to us tomorrow or the next day. So, take this moment and make a decision - how do you want to feel in this particular moment? Worried or sad? Or full of purpose and resolve? Maybe even happy? On the other hand, it's okay to feel melancholy. Acknowledge it and in your mind, hug that part of you that feels melancholy and be compassionate to her. Remember that the feeling of melancholy will pass.

Living in the moment is hard to do - and hard to remember to do. I have had my moments in the past couple of weeks where I'm just tired of the chemo, tired of feeling tired, etc. I've been cussing at other drivers as a way to vent my frustration. But one of my other blogging friends said that she will gladly carry the burden of my fatigue and discomfort for awhile. So, I mentally passed some of it to her. And, you know, it helped. So, why don't you pass some of your worry onto us? And let yourself enjoy your husband's company?

Marlene said...

Dear dear Daria - my heart aches for you. Your words are so honest and brave and real. I have no great words of wisdom - just know that I have you in my pocket and am sending all my everything positive your way. This is the time to truly take one day at a time and one step at a time.
Sending warm loving thoughts to you - Marlene

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Dear Daria
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could say that everything will be all right but I do believe there is still hope. Your tumor did respond to your latest chemo and it sounds like you will be re-admitted to the study once they figure out why your bile duct might be clogged.

I do hate cancer..it is so unfair.

Katie said...

I'm sure it's scary. It sounds like you have a dedicated medical team and this time next week, you'll be back on the right path. I've been following this and am so grateful for your honesty. Looking forward to good news.

Katie

Alli said...

Dearest Daria,

You are the reason I am blogging and found these wonderful people through reading your blog the one time on Kijiji..

It's natural that you would feel this way. Please try and think in the more positive. You have so many people rooting for you, I pray for you and lets send positive energy in your direction.. Don't give up Daria.. Just know you are loved by so many people...

Love Alli xxOO

michele said...

Daria, however much time you have on this earth, know that you've made a positive difference to so many people, including many you don't know (like me).

Glenn said...

Daria, remember what I said about being tired and it seems to be the time I go hard on myself? Are you doing that to yourself right now? I can't live my life on if my cancer comes back. I have to move forward with what I have now in this moment. When you get this little patch over with you will see things in an entirely different light. I recall a couple of months back that you went through the process of getting your affairs in order. That being done what can you do? Live in the moment Daria, thinking ahead won't work for you right now until you are more rested. Promise me you will lighten up on yourself and take a break from unknowns and what ifs. It is such a crucial time right now for you to be in a positive frame of mind. I think I posted a picture on my face book when I was looking very unhealthy and not myself. It's a stage Daria, you will get past it in time. I want to look like Brad Pitt but hey I have what I have. You my dear have such inner beauty and when it comes down to it that's what counts the most. Keep going angel you are going to get there, this is the part where your patience is being tested. Zen through it girl and the rest will fall into place!!!

Peggy said...

You have such strength Daria.
My thoughts are always with you now and for years to come.

Glenn said...

Oh by the way you sent this to me a few months ago :

Daria said...

Keep riding ... your strength will come. Hang in there.
September 12, 2010 12:08 AM

Glenn said...

oh...sorry this song goes with my last post!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skU-jBFzXl0

Debra Ward said...

Oh Daria, I have no comprehension of the tumult of feelings you are going through so can simply say thank you for articulating them and I am praying I can write the same for a long time to come.

Debby said...

I am sorry. I hope that you get answers soon. It would be a very strange place to be at.

Kim said...

What a tough road you have been on, yet at the same time you have offered such encouragement and hope to others. Sending prayers your way!

Bernie said...

Hello lovely lady, I want you to know how much you mean to so many people. We care about you very much and only want what you to feel better soon. Hang in there sweetie, once you get through this rough patch you will think a lot differently....many hugs my friend, prayers for you always....Hugs

Holly said...

Daria dear...my heart is with you...of course you are scared and melancholy at times. This is so natural...you are feeling your feelings which is just the right thing...Life with cancer is confusing and weird. You are so special and my sweet blogger girl friend....sending my love.

Erin said...

Daria,
Sending love and prayers and peace and comfort-you are a source of all of that for so many. I am returning some of what you give so generously.

nancyspoint said...

Daria, It would be odd if you did NOT feel melancholy. I am sorry for all your struggles. Day by day, that always sounds so trite, but it's about the best advice there is. Thinking of you.