This word .... hope

I haven't added much to the blog for a week or so because I've been feeling a bit down and out. The effects of the chemo drugs puts me into some mood swings that challenge me. The second week after a chemo treatment is when I start thinking about my illness .... the seriousness of my illness ... death and dying. Coming off the drugs puts you in a negative mood that lasts a few days. I know it comes and goes and I just need to work through it.

Prior to this treatment, the research nurse asked me to fill out a questionnaire which included questions about my quality of life, treatment, etc. One of the questions that really stuck with me was whether I and/or my family have accepted my illness. I answered the questions with a 3 out of 5 on each but I wasn't really sure. For starters ... do I accept the fact that I may die at any time? I had a scheduled visit with my psychologist at the Cross Cancer and discussed this with her. I asked her, how do I make sure I am aware of the fact that I may die any time? She said something like, you are on a journey and how get to the end is up to you. Some people believe that they can beat this disease. They believe it till the minute they die ... it is called 'hope'. Statistics show that the odds are against us but if we choose to deny the facts and live full of hope, that is O.K. too because as long as we have a good quality of life during the journey, what does it really matter. Wow that was a light bulb moment.

We then discussed how when you tell someone you have stage 4 cancer that is not curable and they refuse to accept it ... how does one deal with that. Well she said that you can't make someone accept something they don't want to. There is no use beating your head against the wall trying to convince them because it won't happen. She said to let them think what they like and just know that they are not a source of support to you. She all took some of the pressure off my by saying, not everyone needs to know everything. It is O.K. to just say ... I'm doing fine.

I thoroughly enjoy visiting the psychologist because even thought I have no idea what we are going to talk about, I always end up coming out feeling better.

I spent a lot of the week thinking about dieing. It has been 8 years since I was first diagnosed and I have already spent a lot of time thinking about dieing but as this disease ... cancer .... brings you closer and closer to death, I seem to spend more and more time thinking about it.

Today is Sunday and I plan on spending time working on the course I take. It motivates me to focus on the future.