Thursday, May 7, 2009

Today's Challenge

Well today's challenge is a nose bleed. Yesterday's nose bleed didn't last too long but today ... I woke up with a nose bleed and it's almost 3 hours later and I am struggling to get rid of it. It is not a constant bleed. It stops for short periods but as soon as I move a muscle ... it starts again.

Nose bleeds are one of the side effects of chemo.

Last night's class went well. We all had to get up and introduce ourselves and talk a bit about our experience ... I got up front and realized how little strength I had to project my voice.

You know I feel so jealous of most everyone in the class ... every one looks like they have so much going on ... a life full of 'life'.

I miss work ... which I haven't really talked about much. I miss getting dressed up in the latest fashions, I miss hearing about the latest gossip, I miss juggling all sorts of tasks ... I miss my old self.

That is probably the toughest part of all this ... loosing the strong vibrant person I once was. I know once I get off the chemo, I'll regain some of that back but to be honest ... this is my third time with cancer and each time it robs you a bit ... each time it takes away a little more of that innocence.

It sounds like I'm a bit melancholy ... well I'm not really. It's just something that I think of often but don't often mention.

Well looks like my nose bleed may have stopped. I'm going to try and get dressed now.


Anonymous said...

Damn chemo!
Hope that you get the nose bleed under control and get a bit of strength back.
Did they reduce the amount of chemo this time? If not...should they do that, do you think? I don't know...just curious!

Daria said...

Hi Audrey,

We did reduce the dosage 2 cycles ago and it was the same for last time.

I think I've been on chemo so long that it's going to take some time just to reduce the toxins in my body. The swelling in my feet has gone down noticeably .... so that is a positive sign.

Over all I feel better but some of the side effects persist.


Kerry said...

Just wondered did they check your platelets. Sometimes when they are low nosebleeds are pretty common.

I think all of us miss how we once were and the things we use to do.
I agree each time and its been three times for me to. It does take a little more.
We do regain but each time it does take a toll.
I don't think really melancholy maybe just being honest on how your feeling. That's okay to. :)
Take care of you.

Anonymous said...

Stay positive Daria

Sara Diana said...

Reading your blog, I felt a connection. "somebody feels the same as me". At the moment I am going through an angry phase because, like you, I am missing my old self and my old life.

You have brightened my day :0)

Unknown said...

Good morning Daria,
I wish I could help with the nose bleeds - sounds not only unpleasant but annoying!! I wish for more normal for you too. Thank you hon for reminding me as I go through my day - how very precious all those "things" are. Huge hugs hon and hang in there!
Namaste, Sarah

Arlene said...

Your sharing more and more of how you are feeling and what you are going through is obviously helping more and more people. And for every one that posts a comment thanking you, there are probably a hundred more in the background who read your comments but do not post any comments. I am so glad that you are opening up with your feelings and sharing them with us. Doing so helps so many people and I do hope that it helps you as well.

Michelle said...

Love to you. Not melancholy, just reality really. xxxxxxxx

nollyposh said...

Yes i know what you mean... so i just go with the flow now... i'm not getting old, it was just that damn chemo! X:-/

Unknown said...

friggin chemo- friggin nose bleeds.
dont worry too much about who you were back then, just be who you are right now........blessed be xx

Michelle said...

I left you a little pressie over at my place :)

S. F. Heron said...

I had the nosebleeds towards then end of my 5th round. It freaked Bill out but I just rolled with it. Quite frankly, I just shoved some tissue up my nose to keep from messing up my shirt :)

If nothing else, it'll make you laugh.

Put your feet up, be a princess, and relax. You're entitled to it!


Debby said...

Oh, Daria. I wish I knew something helpful to say.

Anonymous said...

Hi Daria
God, I connected with you again today.... yes... when we were well, working, getting up, going to work , I miss that a lot.
I miss my traveling on business, my office , desk, customers. It saddens me that I am not the same person as I used to be. Seems like getting up is a task for me these days... Am I mad? yes I have been and will be again, I am sad, disconnected somewhat with the world, I keep to myself a lot.
I am not the same person

Renee said...

Oh Daria:

100% true.

Only it takes away a whole lot. It takes away more than anyone can know.

I am writing a post right now on how I always feel like such a loser. I lost because I have cancer they won because they don't.

Love you Daria. And know it is that taxotere that works like a depressant amongst all its other side effects.

I never ever had nose bleeds thank God.

I am on your side Daria. I am with you.

Love Renee xoxo